we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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