The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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