the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
