she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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