When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
