One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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