Sry I called you an 8
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
