Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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