someone threw a dead crab at me
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
