Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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