Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
