I am in a vortex of obligation.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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