She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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