I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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