the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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