goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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