I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
