she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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