I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
