Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I could make wine with my vomit
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
