Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
