dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
