quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
