I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i out mim tonsoeep
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