I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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