So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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