You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
