I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
