By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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