Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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