Someone shit on the floor
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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