we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
