So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
