Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We got so high we made milksteak
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
