I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
