we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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