I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
