nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
