i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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