found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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