I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
