you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
