you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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