standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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