I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
