I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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