And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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