On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
