I think I died a long time ago.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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