I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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